One characteristic of the Housewives that I’ve got down cold is accessorizing. You’ll never catch a Housewife in the wild (i.e., dinner parties and girls’ trips) without her camouflage layers of protective bling. From the looks of my jewelry stash, you’d think I was a Housewife already, but one thing I have learned from my years of watching the shows is that you can never have too much. That’s why I was thrilled to get this diamond stimulant sterling silver bracelet for 50% off as one of the Daily Specials at Jewelry Television.
The Housewives have also got nothing on me when it comes to wardrobe. In fact, I have so many clothes that I recently had to kick my husband out of his closet and annex it for myself. Yes, that’s right, two walk-in closets. Lisa Vanderpump, eat your heart out. The latest addition to my vaunted apparel collection is these great-fitting notch back pants, which I scored for 50% off at Coldwater Creek.
And speaking of rooms to envy, not only is my closet up to par with those of the television divas, but I understand the importance of a sensuous boudoir as well. After all, I need a great background setting for screaming matches and pillow talk with my crazy girlfriends. I just hope my on-screen BFF doesn’t do to my new zebra matelasse bedding, which was 60% off at Pottery Barn, what Vicki Gunvalson did to Tamra’s hotel bed in Mexico. Maybe Lisa Rinna should lend her some Depends. Deal valid for a limited time.
Oh, those irrepressible Housewives! You just never know what’s going to come out of their mouths. Remember when Aviva dropped the F-bomb in the middle of the kids’ crafting party at Color Me Mine? Yikes. I’ve learned my lesson. When I invite my frenemies to participate in some fun DIY, we’ll do it in the safety and privacy of my own home. I picked up a bunch of these acrylic paint packs while I could save 40% off my entire purchase at Michaels with code SAVE40TODAY, so I’ll be ready when the ladies come calling.
I guess I’ll have to overcome my aversion to pets if I’m ever going to make it as a Housewife. Apparently, a pint-sized, fluffy ankle-biter is a required accessory. While I’ll never go so far as to wear matching pet outfits or to hold a funeral for a dog, I might be persuaded to adopt a furry little friend, provided my contract requires I only hold it while the camera’s rolling. Luckily, I can save up to $51 off this Natural Pet Holistic Flea & Tick Control Kit from Only Natural Pet Store by using code AFPESTFREE at checkout. I can only imagine the Housewife hell if my pet were to give Lisa’s precious little Giggy fleas. Deal expires: 6/30.
A love for reading is one of the essential job qualifications for being a teacher. After all, they have to spend most of their day reading homework full of nearly indecipherable handwriting, correcting spelling tests (purrpull? Um, no.) and reports from the recess patrol: “Tyler was drawing boobs in the sand in front of some girls.” After a year full of that, she deserves some time to chill on the beach with some trashy novels, so get her a great pair of shades, like these Balmain butterfly sunglasses, now up to 95% off at SmartBargains. Deal ends: 5/28 (today).
Picture a typical classroom. See all those adorable youngsters with bright, shiny faces? Cute, aren’t they? Not so cute though, when you realize they’re a teeming pit of festering germs. Suzie is coughing all over the room - and that pencil Brad just handed you? He had it up his nose a few minutes ago. He did. I saw it. Teachers have to wash their hands A LOT to make it through the year without succumbing to constant illness. Any of them would appreciate one of these decorative Kub soap dispensers, now 50% off during the Big Spring Sale at Scandinavian Design Center. Deal valid while supplies last.
You have no idea how difficult picture day is on teachers. First, they have to make sure a roomful of kids keep their fancy dress clothes clean until the photographer arrives; and this is also inevitably the day when somebody’s clueless mom will send in cupcakes with bright blue icing. (It was me. Ten years later, I’m still so sorry, Mrs. Newton.) Then they have to get 30 kids to stand still and smile at the same time without looking goofy or making horns over anyone else’s head. Not an easy task. How about a gift card so she get a relaxing photo session of her own over summer break? She can save 40% off portrait items and get portrait sheets for $3.99 each at JC Penney with code PC1812516. Deal ends: 7/30.
Last week we took the kids on a field trip to Vasquez Rocks. Whose bright idea was that? Trying to keep 30 second graders from climbing all over a park full of gigantic rocks is like trying to herd cats. I’m not sure how we made it through that day injury-free. But we did, so believe me, this teacher truly deserves something like this With Love gift set, containing a cardigan, purse and socks, or another fab sale item from Ruche, while they’re on sale for up to 75% off.
Teachers put up tons of posters around their classrooms, featuring the alphabet, multiplication tables and interesting facts from history. Right now, she’d probably appreciate looking at something a little different. This tropical refreshment poster should remind her to kick back, relax and enjoy the perks of lazy summer days while she can, and you can take 45% off the price by using code SAVE45 at AllPosters.com.
Ooh, this is going to be harder than I thought. Just look at these stunning sterling silver diamond hoop earrings from Netaya. They’re already 70% off, and I can save another 41% at checkout with code SE23, making the final price only $23! Could I honestly say that I would pass up a bargain like this? Well… I think gold does look better with my skin tone. So yes, I would not buy these incredible earrings, even at this unbelievable price. They’re all yours. You’re welcome.
OMG. What is up with the internet today? I thought I’d be faced with a bunch of deals on casserole dishes or vacuum cleaners or those annoying stick family car decals - things I’d have no use for in a million years. But instead, I’ve found all these fabulous designer items marked 50% off during the LUISAVIAROMA Summer Sale. So not fair. I would kill for any of these fashion works of art. Okay, well, maybe not this Atelier Vlisco crop top with the hand patches covering the breasts. That’s a little weird, so maybe I would not buy that. But you can, and for half price. Just maybe don’t wear it to meet your in-laws.
Finally, a deal on something that I can say with 100% conviction and a straight face that I do not want to buy. My bureau is strewn with every accessory known to womankind - hoop earrings, stud earrings, clip-on earrings, pendants, love beads, statement necklaces, tennis bracelets, bangles and rings of every size, shape and color. I even have a cuff decorated with faux bullets, to go with my camo wear. But I have never felt the need for cufflinks. I guess it’s a girl thing. If you’re a well-dressed stud (pun intended) however, you can take advantage of this great deal from Charles Tyrwhitt. Get any two sets of select cufflinks, including this great Union Jack pair, for only $100. I have to admit, this kind of makes me wish I was a man.
Apparel and shoes. Sigh. You’re killing me, here. This is like Chinese water torture, to show me such bargains on lovely things and expect me not to want them. But if I was forced to choose, I guess I would have to say that I would not want these ankle pants, even at 75% off, because I’m just too short to pull this style off. I’d look like I was cut off at the knees. So all you leggy gals out there can feel free to help yourself to this great deal. I’ll just sit here quietly while you shop, paying my penance by not paying for anything.
The only reason I can honestly say that I don’t want this beautiful regency-style Vanderbilt crib is that I’ve been there, done that - four times already! - and there are definitely not going to be any more babies in this household. I finally had to accept that I was not going to be blessed with a girl, no matter how many times I tried. If you’re still trying though, you can save $100 on this elegant crib from DwellStudio when you use code SUMMERTIME at checkout. Actually, now I do kind of want another baby, just so I can have this crib. It is really, really hard to be selfless, especially when there are coupons involved. Deal expires: 6/21.
First, I’m tackling the Skinny Italian cookbook by Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey fame. Yes, I realize she’s now a Federal inmate, but if she can teach me how to cook traditional Italian meals without all the calories, I’m on board. Plus, I’ve always been a sucker for her four little girls, who were always adorably dressed in something like this metallic gold polka dot coat by NellyStella. Right now it’s 70% off at Poppy’s Closet, and ships for free. Because of course, your mini sous chefs can never be too well-dressed. Deal expires: 5/31.
How do these ladies do it? I see Martha, Giada and Nigella on these pages effortlessly whipping up a feast while looking glamorous and impeccably dressed. Yes, I’m more focused on the fashion going on in these kitchens than the actual cooking, but hey, you should know me by now. I might get around to actually baking something at some point, but first I think I should look the part, so I’ve got to order this sexy double v-neck dress while it’s 50% off during the Memorial Day Sale at Jessica London. I hope you’re not starving; dinner could be a while.
Mmm…I smell something good. Must be this patriotic berry pie with a flag-inspired crust that I’m baking with the double pie crust mix I bought at King Arthur Flour. This and other delicious mixes, cookware, containers and more are up to 55% off during the site’s Memorial Day Sale. I can’t wait to find out if it tastes as good as it looks and smells.
Um, the shrieking fire alarm may have clued you in that I’m having a little bit of trouble with dinner. I think I’ll have to go to Plan B, which is talking my husband into manning the grill for hotdogs and hamburgers. I think he’ll go for it, since he should enjoy the opportunity to cook outside and catch some rays in his new swim trunks, which he got for 50% off at Diesel. Plus, lounging in the pool while he cooks sounds a whole lot better than spending any more time in that smoky kitchen. Sale ends: 6/20.
So my foray into the world of celebrity chefs has taught me one thing. No, not how to cook. But I finally know why those ladies on TV are always wearing those low-cut, sexy tops as they’re whipping up a little something. It’s so nobody will notice if their recipe turns out to be a fabulous disaster. Next time I venture into the kitchen, I’m wearing this A.L.C. zip-front print dress, which I got for 70% off and with free shipping at www.Intermixonline.com, and I guarantee nobody will notice when I inevitably burn the roast.
My husband’s sense of direction is about as good as his grasp of spatial analysis, and being a typical man, he’ll never stop to ask for directions. He’ll just keep hollering at me to read the map, but I get carsick, so this time I’m being smart and bringing along this Garmin eTrex 20 GPS for navigation. Obviously, I’m the real brains of this operation, because I saved $65 by purchasing a refurbished model from GPS City.
There may not be room on this trip for any luggage, but I’ll leave one of the kids behind before I’ll go without my jewelry bag. (Don’t worry, he won’t even realize we’re gone as long as the computer’s on and a bag of Cheetos are within reach). Normally, the lack of a wardrobe would ruin my trip, but everyone will be so dazzled by my new bling, like this freshwater pearl ring and the other pieces I scored for up to 78% off at Palm Beach Jewelry, that I doubt they’ll even notice I’ve been wearing the same t-shirt and cutoffs for a week straight.
And now comes my favorite part of the family road trip - the sing-along. No, I’m not kidding. Get with the program, or get on out; we could use the extra room in the car. What? You can’t sing without some accompaniment? Luckily, I brought along this Woodstock vintage acoustic guitar, which I picked up for only $99 at Monoprice. Just get your brother to scrunch up on the floorboards so you have room to strum. Now, everybody, Kumbaya…Deal expires: 5/27.
One of the great mysteries of family vacations is why kids get so excited about swimming in the hotel pool. We have a pool in the backyard that they can use any day of the year, and they couldn’t care less. It sits empty all summer long. But the minute we mention staying overnight at a hotel, they’re yammering non-stop about how soon till they can go swimming. I’ll never understand it, but at least I know my little girl will be the cutest at the pool in this adorable Jantzen watermelon one-piece, now 80% off at HauteLook. Deal ends: 5/25.
A great pair of flat sandals is a vacation must-have. These Elizabeth and James sandals, along with other sale styles, are up to 70% off at Jildor Shoes, and they’ll be perfect to slip off and whack someone in the back seat with when they won’t stop changing all the sing-along lyrics to fart songs. They’ll also be comfortable for the long trek to the train station when I just can’t take one more second of being cooped up in this tiny car with all these maniacs. Deal ends: 8/30.