10 Reasons I Believe My House is Haunted
I have a friend who believes that her house is haunted. She swears that she has actually felt and seen otherworldly presences in her home, to the extent that she makes her children sleep with rosaries around their necks. I was skeptical, but after her research revealed that our neighborhood is built on land that may be unhallowed ground, I realized that a lot of unexplained things happen around here, too. I’m now convinced that my house is also haunted, and here are the reasons why.
- A demonically-possessed black cat prowls my house. She hates everyone so we never see her, just hear the hissing. This cat will literally climb the walls, all the way to the ceiling. I’m awoken at night by my door slowly creaking open, and when I look, she’s just sitting there staring at me, plotting my death as I sleep.
- There are also apparently vampires or zombies inhabiting the rooms I thought belonged to my teenagers. The creatures in there never come out of their gloomy lairs until after midnight. They don’t eat the meals I prepare, so how do they survive? Blood? Brains?
- There's an abundance of cobwebs accumulating around the windows and corners of the ceiling. This cannot be attributed to my (lack of) cleaning skills, right?
- Things seem to move around by themselves and reappear in odd places. Or they disappear altogether. Socks. Keys. The food I was saving to cook for dinner. My favorite pair of jeans. Money from my wallet. The Real Housewives episodes I’ve recorded on the DVR. Just gone.
- I don’t know what sort of creature is lurking under the bed in my kids’ room, but it clearly likes to collect old soda cans and pizza boxes. Late at night I can hear it breathing and scrabbling around down there. Maybe it’s just that long-lost hamster, but I don’t investigate -- just steer clear of that mystery.
- Open the fridge here, if you dare, and you will discover all manner of toxic potions and concoctions. I have no idea what most of them are or how long they’ve been there, but it is scarier than Dr. Frankenstein’s lab up in there. Be warned - you are playing Russian roulette with your health if you consume anything from that fridge.
- Unexplainable strange occurrences happen all the time around here. Window screens get sucked out and blow away. The garage door inexplicably opens and the TV turns off all by itself. The phone rings, but there’s nobody on the line. Toys come to life in the middle of the night. You have no idea what creeped out means until you’re awoken by a toy tool bench beckoning, “Hey buddy, what would you like to build today?” It kept happening until I finally just had to throw it out. Possessed, I tell you.
- We’ve all seen ghostly apparitions. My mother reports being awoken in the middle of the night with an eerie feeling and seeing a bunch of odd coral-like branch-shaped objects floating in mid-air. Playing back home videos, I often see strange, dark, shadowy shapes swooping around us.
- The place is constantly booby-trapped; you can’t walk around in the dark without risking your life by tripping over something. Often, strange creatures will come flying at you from out of nowhere, and stuffed animals are found hanging in nooses from the stairwell. Is this just normal for a house with kids, or is it a poltergeist?
- Did you ever see that horror movie, The Apparition? If you haven’t, don’t; it was terrible. However, as an interesting aside, it was filmed in a house across the street from us. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
The season for freaks and ghouls is upon us and I expect the paranormal activity to kick into high gear around here. If you’re in the mood for some terror and don’t want to pay the exorbitant prices charged by commercial haunted houses, just drop by my place. The frights here are free. Or you could scope some money-saving deals on the season’s spookiest attractions at Groupon.