Online Purchases You Can Never Take Back
The internet is one of the greatest things ever invented, we can all agree on that. But just because it's perfection in a series of tubes doesn't mean that it can protect you from ill-advised, or even (social) life-threatening purchases. You might have to do some basic math before you send that drunken “i love/hate/want to beat you with a giant sandwich” emails, but there's no Amazon add-on (yet) that stops you from buying something terrible.
You would think that, in a world where you can buy a human embryo online, there'd be some sort of safeguards, like an “Are you sure you want to buy this and possibly take the first step to becoming a supervillain? Solve this puzzle and the embryo is yours!” type thing. Instead, we live in a world where these dangerous items are readily available and waiting for your regret!
- High-end movie/tv weapon replicas
Yes, that bat'leth looks amazing on your wall, and once you add the second one when your relationship turns serious and moves them to a crossed set over the head of your bed, you'll stand back and think, “Yes, this is the bed of a man (who want to be klingon). But what happens if the relationship ends? Do you troll Craigslist and OKCupid for someone who is trained in the art of battle? Soon you're sinking hours a day and hundreds of dollars into this quest, because non-romantic bat'leth battles have their own requirements, and those requirements are EXPENSIVE.
- Cat paraphernalia
Yes, it may seem like Catster A. Arthur needs a 6' free-range driftwood cat tower that's a bargain at only $200, and then the matching litter box (that barely, on a good day, functions like it's supposed to), but he doesn't. He just wants a box, some string, and an unending supply of cat snackies. He doesn't care if you fought Poseidon himself for that mystical Olympia wood, he's still going to try to eat it and/or ignore it.
- The Laserdisc player and Laserdisc collection that you bought under the mistaken idea that, because records and cassette tapes were back, you'd jump ahead of the line and be ready for the Laserdisc trendThis one pretty much explains itself. They're not coming back. They're record-sized DVDs that you have to get up and flip over mid-movie. That's horrible. If you're lucky, some other drunken fool on Craigslist will buy it from you so you can get some of that money back.
- World of Warcraft
Goodbye life and soul, but never forget, cat form is for fite FOR LIFE
- The alcohol and self-help books that led to the worst date in the history of dates
Time, like money, cannot always be gotten back. You can try to resell those self-help books, but you can never resell those memories, or that hangover, no matter how hard you try. His soul patch and Slipknot tattoos are as eternal as the tides.
The internet might be our best friend sometimes, but it can also be our greatest enemy. Sometimes it feels like there should be a child safety lock on keyboards, to keep one from making purchases that will go in our Death Book of Shame, the one that will be read to us when we pass from this life. And if that book isn't real, maybe we should pretend that it is, to prevent the financial and social mistakes that we can never take back.
Amazon is the grandaddy of Sites For Purchasing Stuff, so do yourself a favor -- head over to their page on Ultimate Coupons and make sure that, if you absolutely have to buy 500 copies of the first season of Max Headroom (and I know you do, let there be no secrets between us), you never pay more than you have to. Aside from paying your whole life for your mistakes, I mean. That goes without saying.