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The 10 Lamest Super Powers

The 10 Lamest Super Powers
Tanya Sharma

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s … that one guy who can do that one really useless thing! Before you jump all over my anti-superhero stance, consider the evidence. The most popular, beloved superheroes are really only beloved for a couple of major tricks, like flying and climbing walls. Other stuff might be kind of cool to look at on the big screen, but is just a big ol’ fail otherwise. Here are the 10 most puzzling, unnecessary superpowers our favorite heroes love to show off.

1. Secrete some acid when you feel down

Great balls of fire might be useful since you can just sling a couple of bombs and be done with your enemy in a flash. But acid is more vicious and, at least in the case of Man-Thing, kind of alarming. Ol’ Thing secretes sulfuric acid from his body anytime he feels any sort of negative emotion, whether it’s anger or confusion or fear. Then when the guy is happy again, he emits some sort of mucus-like substance that essentially neutralizes the acid. Um, awesome?

2. Breakdance any time of day

If this is a superpower, then nearly every kid born in the late ‘70s is apparently a superhero. Justice League member Vibe is the leader of this pack, boasting the inarguable ability to bust a move.

3. Change the color of objects

Theoretically, this could be useful - maybe in some sort of camouflaged combat situation. But in life, when all you’re doing is sitting in traffic and slaving away in your cubicle, it does nothing. Unless you’re changing the color of your traffic light from red to green.

4. Eat everything in sight

Once upon a time there was a lame superhero who could eat his way through anything. His name was Matter-Eater Lad. The dubious distinction of being able to consume matter of all kinds may seem sort of ridiculous, but I suppose it’ll be useful when you’re stuck in a cell and needs to gnaw your way out like some sort of wild animal.

5. Remove limb, use as weapon

Ah, wouldn’t it be great to conveniently detach an arm or leg at will just so you could club the moron next to you? Turns out there was a superhero who could do this - the incontestably named Arm Fall Off Boy. You don’t really hear about AFOB, mostly because he’s a lame excuse for a “hero.”

6. Look back in time and wish you had done things differently

Hindsight is 20/20 and all that. But is there really any need to rub it in our faces? The beauty of Hindsight Lad is that he was kind of a jerk, routinely lamenting that life would be a whole lot better if things had been done his way. We all have that person in our lives, don’t we?

7. Be as perverted as you like

About a million guys would qualify as superheroes if this were an actual thing. Bueno Excellente is the deceptively silent guy who is also, well … a total perv. His key words are “excellente” and “bueno,” followed by a depraved laugh. All in good fun, I guess?

8. Use a foreign language as a threat

I suppose there is something kind of offensive about words being viciously hissed your way in a foreign language. It’s definitely not pleasant, is it? Take venomous Jean de Baton, the superhero who wields around a loaf of French bread like it’s a firearm and speaks a lot of French. Take that, criminals.

9. Weld deceased animals

Animal lovers, where you at? I’m surprised superhero Dogwelder isn’t more reviled for his morbid behavior, which involves setting up traps for strays and unleashing dead animals onto the faces of evil people. Fighting bad? Good. Doing it with dead animals? Sooo bad.

10. Yell, a lot

So I guess we’re actually all superheroes if this is considered a superpower. World War II super-solder Jerry Carstairs had the not-so-unique ability to yell really loudly - loud enough to kill. If raising your voice is a superpower, I hereby promote several people I know to superpower status.