6 Celebs We Wish Would Step On A Lego Piece
It's bad form to wish grievous bodily injury upon anybody (although this is the internet, so you sort of can't wish ill upon people without it devolving into colorful language involving a woodchipper and several hungry woodland creatures.) But there are certain celebrities whose tender, pedicured feet deserve to have a fine howdy-do with the sharp edges of a Lego, not so much ruining their lives as making them really, really unhappy for about a minute.
1. Bill Maher
You can't browbeat a Lego. Legos aren't going to get psyched-out by smarmy smirks and one-liners. They can't be bargained with. They can't be reasoned with. They don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are hopping on one foot and crying a lot.
2. Shia LaBeouf
I don't even dislike Shia – it would be like disliking a volcano, or polyester. He's such a ridiculous human being that he's like an action figure from a different set, and his mere existence on this planet looks out-of-place. But if his feet were jabbed sharply by a Lego, not only would he wail like a sea creature, he'd probably make a performance art piece out of his suffering and rent a gallery in LA, where he'd sit on an enormous sculpture of the instrument of his suffering, and yell “THIS IS THE BUILDING BLOCK OF TORMENT” every few minutes.
3. Adam Carolla
Remember that creepy uncle who laughs at all of his own gross jokes, and is convinced that the younger generation is weak and soft because they replaced solid concrete playground floors with woodchips? That's Adam Carolla, a D-grade celebrity who sometimes surfaces from his pond of obscurity to yell at millennials with their texting and feelings, ruining everyone's good time. I imagine that he would make a sort of honking groan upon trampling a Lego and try to look super-manly, but you'd be able to tell from the grimace that he was trying not to cry, because if you catch him crying, it vanquishes him back to the realm of motor oil and fart jokes.
4. Jonathan Franzen
The patron saint of pretentious writers, Jonathan Franzen is perhaps the most richly deserving of Lego agony. He once described the enjoyment he got out of flinging coins onto the ground in Germany so that elderly women's joints would hurt when they bent to pick them up, and he also thinks that the internet is full of evil spirits, probably. If he got a Lego jammed into the bottom of his unnervingly soft feet, he would write three novels about it, because it would be the worst thing that's ever happened to him.
5. Ryan Seacrest
Ryan Seacrest was created in a laboratory by a council of hooded figures, among which were Jimmy Stewart, Dick Clark, and a young but powerful Carson Daly. He's not so much a celebrity as a sentient haircut, and even his laugh sounds like it was calibrated by dark forces to be both inoffensive and otherworldly. Even his Wikipedia page has nothing under “Personal Life.” If Seacrest jabbed his foot on a Lego, we might see, even for a moment, a genuine human reaction peeking out between the cracks in his veneer, and I honestly don't know what that would look like. A howl from the mouth of the abyss? A thousand voices chuckling together like countless squeaky cabinets being opened in unison? An actual curse word, which his programmers expressly forbade him from ever forming? Some doors are best left unopened.
6. Gene Simmons
Gene's entire body is like a handbag made of hardened goat leather, so I can only assume that this extends to the bottoms of his feet, but even the toughest hide can't resist the sharpness of a rogue Lego. His guard would be down after years of towering above the world on nine-inch platform shoes, and it's a long way to the bottom when you're yelping like a child and clutching at your wounded foot. He wouldn't be able to bribe the Lego into un-hurting him, and Legos wouldn't care about how many KISS-themed coffins he's sold. On the upside, Lego suffering would probably be the most honest emotions he's felt in decades.
When they're not single-handedly making you question the existence of a just universe by betraying your feet, Legos are still one of the greatest toys of all time. Ultimate Coupons has amazing deals on Legos, including the wildly popular MINDSTORMS, and they will not become the architect of your pain unless you leave them around the house. Probably buy a box to put them in, too.