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6 Superheroes in Real Life

6 Superheroes in Real Life
Ryan Boyd

The primary draw of superheroes is their sense of unreality – we can live vicariously through their crazy powers and indulge our own escapism by imagining a world where Spider-Man can make a living selling his selfies to the Daily Bugle. But what if our grittily realistic world of gritty realism was crammed full of superpowered weirdos? It's by no means a unique idea; Garth Ennis, Alan Moore, and Grant Morrison have all covered this ground before (the ground was super gritty also, in case you were wondering), but there are a few things they haven't considered:

1. The Question

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Vaping 24 hours a day. The Question would never not be vaping, or talking about vaping, or vaping about vaping. The money that The Question would not have spent on e-juice would have been invested in Bitcoin, and his subsequent bankruptcy would only be soothed by another drag on that sweet, sweet vape pen. He'd also spend like 12 hours a day on /r/TheRedPill, creating threads like “Can we talk about how Rorschach is a beta male version of me” and “Please somebody just touch me, oh God I'm so lonely, wake up sheeple.”

2. She-Hulk

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Your life would be marked by tragedy if she wasn't your best friend. As adept at practicing law as giving a catcaller a German suplex through several park benches, Jennifer Walters would make everyone else look like total garbage just by sheer contrast. People interviewing her would be too terrified to ask about her diet and how she fits into her superhero costume because any time they'd start in with that line of questioning, she would grab their coffee table edition of Gravity's Rainbow and eat it, unhinging her green jaw like a snake and smiling very, very wide. She would smell like lemon verbena.

3. Superman

clark-kent-mosClark's an enormous doofus. I need you to understand this about Superman. 99% of his Facebook posts would be “LOL!!!” on anything Minion-related, and Jimmy Olsen would cry out with despair when he saw how many cat memes a man with superhuman speed can post to his wall. Clark's primary political belief would be “the thank-you wave you give people when they let you switch lanes in traffic,” and his favorite movie would be "Eat Pray Love." He would be able to make exactly one meal: sloppy joes. Lois would hate sloppy joes, she'd hate them so bad, but she'd indulge him because he'd look like a proud golden retriever when he'd make them for her.

4. Penance

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That one friend you had in high school who was like “Nah bro I can toooootally pierce my own nipples,” and who had WELCOME TO MY TWISTED MIND on his MySpace profile back in the day – that's Robbie Baldwin, all the time. You'd go over to his house to watch the season premiere of Hannibal or something, and he'd make these super-creepy comments, like “I understand why Hannibal eats people. He's trying to fill a deep, sexy void within himself.” You would become very aware of your proximity to him and his heavily pierced body parts, and you'd scoot away very subtly. He'd offer you a room-temperature Monster Energy Drink, and when you declined it, he'd take your refusal as a deep personal sleight. He would blog about it later so hard, his piercings would jangle.

5. Rogue

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Rogue would have an Etsy shop where she'd sell horrible things in mason jars. Things she found on the side of the road, pieces of people left over from giant mutant battles, flowers she picked from behind the Piggly Wiggly – just nonstop mason jars over there. She wouldn't be able to find anybody to talk to about the last two seasons of True Blood, because even Gambit would have fallen off after that weird faerie stuff in season three, so she'd send him very long texts about it, telling him that he reminds her of Bill Compton. She would abuse the heart-eyes emoji. Gambit would hate the heart-eyes emoji almost as much as he would hate getting compared to Bill Compton.

6. Miles Morales

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In a large group of kids who are all having a conversation, Miles would be that kid who makes eye contact with the kid who got interrupted by another conversation breaking out, nodding and making sure they knew that somebody was still paying attention. He'd also make way too many DEEZ NUTS jokes, but you'd forgive him because that kid would have a face like sunshine, and because DEEZ NUTS jokes are timeless.

Keep up with all of these heroes' current adventures — across a myriad of canons — at Midtown Comics!