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5 Desserts Sweetened With Betrayal

5 Desserts Sweetened With Betrayal
Ryan Boyd

There are few sacred things left in this world. “Purple Rain,” Andre The Giant's toothy grin, Christian Bale's unhinged rant on the set of "Terminator: Salvation," and dessert – these are the terra firma we cling to in a world plagued by corruption and sin. But the wolves are always at our gates, vigilant and hungry, always trying to find purchase into our sancta to rip away all that we cherish.

1. German Chocolate Cupcakes With Sauerkraut (The Evil That Men Do)

You see “German chocolate” and you feel a warm wave of euphoria wash over you.  But there is a surfboard cresting upon that wave, and like the Herald of Galactus, this surfer is a portent of world-devouring darkness. The crumbled almonds, pecans, and coconut shavings squatting atop the cupcake rest like crooked headstones over unclean ground, and buried beneath the chocolate soil, the unquiet cabbage spirits eagerly wait to drag your mouthparts down to hell. Low-fat alternative, the souls of the damned whisper with voices soaked in applesauce and corn starch, low-fat alternative.

2. Sour Cream Ice Cream with Caramelized Pear Compote (Woe Unto You, O Earth and Sea)

Like any good monster, it's comprised of good and bad parts, the holy and the profane – caramelized pears mix with sour cream until all you're left with is a gnarled slurry of moral gray area. It tells just enough truth to give its lies the power they need to seduce you into betraying everything you've ever believed in. “Scrape vanilla bean seeds into mixture and whisk until blended,” the recipe hisses, “and think not on the work of your hands, for even now the seeds they sow promise a bumper crop of iniquity, flowering forth to prepare a place for you in the vanilla inferno. Cinnamon stick optional.”

3. Makeover Fruit Pizza (Rotten Trees Bear Foul Nectar)

You fooled around with ham-and-pineapple pizza when you were young and fresh and the world was a wide-open garden of delights. You told yourself that fruit and pizza could intermingle, that the tangy addition of pineapple couldn't hurt, and now Beelzebub's fruit basket has been delivered to your doorstep with no return address. You want real pizza. You want a world of concrete truth and trust, but your dalliances with fruited pizza have doomed us all. The cream cheese is also reduced-fat, and optional garnishes are sackcloth sprinkles, ashes, and the tang of your own tears.

4. Vinegar Pie (Vinegar Pie)

I was going to write a flowery description about Vinegar Pie, but bruh. Nope. I couldn't even type the first word.  I'm going to hug my loved ones and lie down for a while, and wait for the earth to get sucked into a black hole. Pie that is vinegar. Vinegar pie.

5. Blueberry Kale Ice Cream (Brimstone, Hopelessness, Acceptance)

We all tell ourselves certain lies just to get by and avoid playing footsie with the abyss. But some lies will never come true no matter how much we wish it were otherwise, and one of those lies is kale, a stunningly gross plant that has slowly infiltrated our homes like a hippie that you can't scrape off your couch. It suffuses the ice cream with a faintly gangrenous glow, transmuting a delicious dessert standard into a rotten monument to hubris. Is there anything holy or pure in this world? Can there yet remain some righteousness untainted by our iniquities? The recipe even instructs you to stretch saran wrap over the mixture before freezing so that skin does not form on the surface of this abomination. Its aspiration to cultivate flesh is an attempt to become more like the hands that wrought it – flawed, profane, and uglier than homemade sin.

If you feel an overwhelming need to expiate yourself of humanity's transgressions, head on over to Shari's Berries, where you can find delicious cheesecake and chocolate-dipped strawberries. Shari's Berries wants good things for you and your life. Bite into one of their delicious swizzled strawberries and learn to trust humanity again, one bite at the time.