10 Comic Book Villains That Should Win
How many times have we seen Superman foil the plans of job-creator Lex Luthor? Or watched as Batman made mince meat of Arkham Asylum's unfortunate wards? For once we'd like to see the ne'er-do-wells triumph over their goody two shoes counterparts!
1. Doctor Doom vs Reed Richards
Doctor Doom is essentially just a formerly-poor, non-white (his mother was Romani), disfigured version of Reed Richards whose only company is a bunch of robot versions of himself and a mother whose soul is in hell (that he gets to see once a year when he fights a demon for its freedom). I'm just saying, this is a dude that, even if he's leader of his own country, could use a win. He needs that "right on, beat my nemesis" fist-bump (with himself) before he also goes to hell.
2. Jean Grey's death vs Jean Grey
At this point, Jean Grey has died so many times that her death has basically gained sentience and become a Venom-like figure in the Marvel universe. And it's not that it should win — not in the repeated sense that it's had going on since it first became a storyline — but maybe in some sort of permanent sense, just so Jean Grey(s) can relax and stop constantly watching and waiting for it to show up again.
3. Hellboy's cats vs Hellboy (movieverse)
In the first "Hellboy" movie, Hellboy is shown with like almost literally 400 cats in his room. Those cats are probably angrier than he is about the fact that they can't go outside, because, unlike the singular Hellboy, there are ~400. There's a very good chance that they're going to gang up on him and beat him up until he gives them some space, because cats don't like moping in bed and eating candy bars nearly as much as you would think.
4. Galactus vs Silver Surfer
All Galactus wants to do is eat planets like meatballs and bro-around the universe in a stupid hat, but the Silver Surfer doesn't think that should be allowed to happen, that Galactus should stay away from the good tasty meatballs and instead eat the old and moldy ones instead. I mean, yes, there is a huge casualty list with the meatball party, and that's not very good at all, but all living things can and should be allowed to eat, especially if they're gigantic meatballs.
5. Magneto vs Professor X and the X-Men
Magneto really, seriously needs a win. Not only did he survive the Holocaust, but then there's been the countless mutant genocides, the loss of his closest friend, so many terrible things that giving this guy a proper victory is like giving a 5 year old a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party. And yeah, he's the worst dad ever (he's definitely in the top 10 in the entire Marvel universe), but even bad dads need nice stuff sometimes. He's still a jerkhole, though.
6. Bizarro vs Superman
First off, he's just the cuter of the two. It's like a weirdo teddy bear vs a Real Bear with Real Morals, and real morals can get tired really fast, and teddy bears never do. Whereas a dude who looks like he's made of rock and would try (and fail, because he can't control his strength) to make paper snowflakes during an LA summer like it was the most normal thing in the world is actually a really nice change.
7. A normal human ego vs Dr. Strange
Seriously, have you listened to the guy? He's the most pompous, in-love-with-himself-for-being-alive jerk imaginable, and being the "Sorcerer Supreme" (which could actually just be a name he gave himself one day while bored, who knows) just feeds into that. If a normal human ego could step in and show this guy what reality and proper human interactions are, the entire Marvel universe would benefit. He's the guy you just want to yell "Stop spooky-ghosting away, we know you have legs and that mist really burns our eyes" at him every time you see him.
8. M.O.D.O.K. vs The entire Marvel Universe
Have you seen the guy? He looks like the lovechild of Donald Pleasence's head and Alice Cooper's make-up drawer. Why shouldn't he be king of everything? He's a head with some floppy arms and legs and he whines like a baby. It'd be like living in 6 versions of the Joker's world mixed together, but all wrapped in tape with "science!!!" written on it.
9. Phoney Bone vs Fone Bone
Phoney is/was/will again be the richest Bone in Boneville, and what's Fone? Just some dude who helps people do stuff and has a moral compass? If I've learned anything from working retail, it's that Phoney is the one here that really deserves to win.
10. H.I.V.E. vs the Teen Titans (Teen Titans Go-verse)
Have you seen Cyborg's heart-eyes? Have you seen Robin's angry face? Every character has such an amazingly ridiculous reaction face to H.I.V.E., let alone their win, that seeing a serious, proper victory would be like seeing the comic book version of a unicorn riding a narwhal on a rainbow made of angels' tears.
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