Dead, Fright and BOO: America's Greatest Zombie Presidents
There are a lot of rumors surrounding the Founding Fathers and leaders of this great nation of ours. Many of them have had some less-than-desirable character traits they tried to keep hidden. Do they really all belong to that super-secret sect, the Illuminati, masterminding world events and worshipping the devil and the dead? No; the truth is, they are the dead - or more accurately, the undead. Nevertheless, we owe a great debt to these zombie Presidents who have risen from an easy life in the grave to toil away their second lives making our nation the greatest on earth. Let’s give an Independence Day salute to the Dead, White and Blue.
1. George Washington
George Washington could not tell a lie. He did chop down that cherry tree, and used those wooden choppers of his to devour a few brains, too.
2. Thomas Jefferson
Founding father and author of the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson was a huge proponent of individual rights, including the right to rise from the dead and eat human flesh. Lucky for us, James Madison vetoed adding that bit to the Bill of Rights.
3. Abraham Lincoln
We now know that in addition to winning wars, abolishing slavery and holding a country together, Abraham Lincoln counted vampire hunting among his many talents. Well of course, because everyone knows vampires are the natural enemies of zombies. This would also explain his undead looks.
4. Theodore Roosevelt
Haven’t you ever wondered how Roosevelt’s Rough Riders were so successful in defeating the Cubans during the Spanish-American War? It’s a little known secret that stuck without adequate supplies, the Americans were actually defeated at first; but then came back to life and turned the Spanish troops into barbacoa.
5. John F. Kennedy, Jr.
When JFK admonished us to “Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country,” he was referring to donating our bodies and souls.
6. Richard Nixon
Nixon swore that he was not a crook. But is it really such a stretch from wiretapping and eavesdropping to grave robbing? Those bags under his eyes were from prowling for midnight snacks.
7. Jimmy Carter
Don’t let the good ole Southern boy smile fool you. Jimmy Carter wasn’t really raising peanuts down there in Georgia. He was raising the dead.
8. Ronald Reagan
It’s no big secret that Ronald Reagan was actually dead long before his re-election to the second term. His makeup team just did a really good job of making him look alive.
9. Bill Clinton
No wonder Bill Clinton committed career suicide by making so many personal mistakes while in office. The undead aren’t really known for their common sense or good judgment.
10. Barack Obama
It shouldn’t come as any big surprise that Obamacare is such a disaster. Obviously, this zombie Pres has no interest in trying to keep Americans alive, when we could be his delicious breakfast.