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4 Things Prince Would Order at Waffle House

4 Things Prince Would Order at Waffle House
Ryan Boyd

1. Hashbrowns
Almost goes without saying, because hash browns are as much a part of Waffle House's foundation as the meat locker-temperature air conditioning, but these hash browns have never been ordered by Prince before – weirdly, sensually ordered. He starts reasonably, with “scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, and topped,” but then comes “flattered, finessed, [series of squawks], and liberated.” The plate arrives garnished with Spanish saffron. The stunned waitress now has five mohawks and a lace cravat. The cheese is gently melted.

2. Fifteen (15) Waffles
The cook mutters “Who even NEEDS that many waffles?” Prince does. Prince needs that many waffles. He doesn't even know what he's going to do with them once they come to him. Do you think he wrote Purple Rain knowing how many songs were going to be on it? When all the waffles make their way to his booth, he stares at them thoughtfully before arranging them into a fully-functioning synthesizer. He plays one perfect note on his waffle synth and a gaggle of forest creatures appear at the windows of the Waffle House, all humming the same word in perfect harmony: “Buttermilk.”

3. Kids' Egg Breakfast
He doesn't make eye contact when he orders the Kids' Egg Breakfast. It's not often that he gets out of his subterranean funk bunker lately, and when he does, he's not accustomed to explaining himself to strangers. And so it is with the Kids' Egg Breakfast. He also asks for several coffee creamers, and when it all arrives, he sits in silence for exactly 17 minutes before leaving. The untouched Kids' Egg Breakfast remains, along with a gratuity of $3000 and a coupon he clipped from the 1992 Sears Catalog good for $50 off maternity wear. The waitress realizes she's been pregnant for two weeks. The coupon has no expiration date – only a small, handwritten “congratulations 2 u.”

4. Side of City Ham
A vegan since the 1990s, Prince is barely able to hold back his wispy-mustached grimace when he orders the city ham, and the short order cook is angry at himself for finding the phrase “city ham” attractive when Prince sneers it. He knows that Prince will not eat the city ham, and even if he doesn't know what he's planning to do with the meat, he knows he's annoyed by it. The waitress asks if he'll have anything else. Prince laughs softly to himself and murmurs “Haven't U done enough?” before kissing the city ham, which turns back into a pig at the touch of his lips. The pig's name is now Lotus Child Lydia, and she's best friends with Prince now. Her eyelashes are disconcertingly luxurious, and the short order cook feels a faint urge to buy scented candles. The Waffle House's glacial temperature turns just a little bit warmer.

Should Prince appear to you (and he may for his motives are as unknowable as fate itself) make sure you're prepared to meet his needs with a waffle iron (35% off at $179.95) and griddle (55% off at $99.95) from Williams-Sonoma.