10 Items to Help Recent Grads Adult
College is a glorious time. You’re only in charge of feeding yourself, so you can go to the cafeteria and eat a Captain Crunch-laden ice cream sundae if you so choose. You live in a dorm room, so that means no mortgage and no maintenance beyond trying to keep your room deposit. And you can sleep in to your heart’s content - you can borrow notes from someone, right? But eventually, you will graduate. And you’ll suddenly come to the harsh realization that it’s time to be an adult. It can be jarring to say the least, but here are 10 things that are sure to make you look all grown-up and mature-like.
1. A Bottle of Wine in an Excellent Year
You’ve graduated from college, but it’s also time to graduate from the swill of whippersnappers, which includes alcohol that comes from a large apparatus such as a keg or a fishbowl, to wine, the official libation of adults everywhere. To be a legitimate adult, you’ll need to bring a bottle of wine whenever you visit a friend’s house. Pour it in a glass, swirl it around and tell everyone that you’re “appreciating the bouquet.” They will gasp at your sheer adult-ness.
2. A Proper Alarm Clock
Your cell phone sort of sufficed during your college years, but you lost count of how many times the “cute” alarm you chose failed to be loud or noticeable enough to actually wake you up. But now you’re expected to be at a full-time job every day at 9 a.m. sharp. It’s time (ha, pun) for a real alarm clock. One that’s so deafening and annoying that people in the next county call to complain. You won’t wake up with a smile on your face, but at least you’ll be up.
3. Pants That Don’t Have Elastic
Gone are the days when you can show up to places in sweatpants, yoga pants or outright pajama pants. You’re going to have to step up your game with a pair of dress pants, ones that, you know, zip and button and everything. Especially if your new workplace has a dress code. They tend to frown upon pants of the flannel variety.
4. A Fancy Technological Gadget
One important thing you need to do as an adult is purchase the latest techy, cool, slick gizmo on the market, show it off, and even if it’s out in the open, be sure to tell everyone about it. You’ll also want to mention how many hours you waited in line to acquire said gizmo. As a bonus, you should drop words in like “terabytes” and “pixels.”
5. A Lawn Mower
Now that you’ve left the comfortable cocoon of your dorm, you presumably live in a duplex, rental, or even – whoa – a house. That means yard work. Lovely, never-ending yard work. The grass won’t mow itself, so you’ll have to invest in a lawn mower. Pretend that you’re in a Home Depot commercial as you push it around. Be sure to have a plastered-on grin on your face and wave to neighbors, all the while cursing whoever created grass.
6. Several Kitchen Tools
These will be especially easy to acquire if you have a wedding registry, and you just “have to have” a crème brulee torch or a mini-doughnut maker. And then they never see the light of day. But to be a true adult, you’ll need to have many of these tools in your kitchen, even though you will never use them. It just looks cool, and that’s all that matters. That’s why you’ll need the spatulas in 12 different colors from Williams Sonoma.
7. A Car That Doesn’t Break Down
You can’t drive around that junk heap anymore. If you’re going to be parking your car amongst your co-workers in a parking lot, it should look somewhat respectable. Extra points if you purchase a decent yet hip car, like a Mini Cooper or a Prius. A Prius is especially good because then you can tell everyone that you have a Prius. And they will assume that you’re some sort of planet-saving superhero.
8. A Dignified Necktie
Now that you’re an adult, you have to bury your inappropriate T-shirts at the back of your drawer. They just might land you in an HR office. So you should purchase a large array of neckties in a variety of nondescript colors. If you really want to go crazy, wear a striped tie. Stripes are very ostentatious amongst adults.
9. A Cereal Fortified with Fiber
Okay, so you’re not collecting social security yet, but it’s never too early to incorporate some extremely adult-friendly bran into your diet. Your cereal should taste like a cardboard box. You can forget about any cereal that has marshmallows in adorable shapes. If you have just one spoonful, your adult card will be immediately revoked.
10. Cleaning Products
Adults spend roughly 89% of their lives cleaning. That’s just an estimate, but it’s fairly accurate. A dorm room is typically the size of a large couch, so there isn’t much upkeep. But now you’re living in more spacious digs, and with that comes a plethora of cleaning products. And cleaning tools. Your friends will forget what you look like because you will be cleaning all the time. I just thought you should know.
Adult-ing is hard. But as someone who has already crossed over, you’ll make it. You might cry a lot. And you will definitely long for those carefree college days. But I have no doubt that you will make an awesome adult.