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Avoiding Your Taxes 101

Avoiding Your Taxes 101
Julia Panchenko

It’s agreed upon by many that April 15 is the worst day of the year. Panic starts to set in as people scramble around, trying to unearth old boxes of receipts and wondering how much they owe the government this year. If only there was a way to not pay any taxes at all and just skip all of that unpleasantness…

What’s that, you say? Not paying your taxes constitutes a federal crime? Bah. All you need is an iron-clad escape plan from the U.S. and you’ll be on your way to tax-free freedom in no time.

 

1. The Number You’ve Called is No Longer in Service

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Of the many great lessons gleaned from network television, acquiring a contract-free cellphone (technical spy term: burner) for all devious undertakings is perhaps the most important. Your regular smartphone is too easy to trace; trade that thing in stat and get yourself a basic phone, like this Nokia Cell Phone from Cellhut.com for just $39.99 and start using it to set the rest of your plan in motion.

2. Passport: Check?

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April 15 is here, and there’s no time to wait in line with everyone else to get your passport in order. You needed it ready to go yesterday, so use a non-government service like Rush My Passport to get that baby processed and in your escape bag within 24 hours. Plus, they’re offering 5% off any order right now.

3. Geography Was Never More Interesting

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There’s no better time to brush up on your geography than when you need to map out which countries don’t have an extradition treaty with the United States, so invest in this Hudson Desk Globe ($69.99, originally $99.99) from the National Geographic Store. China and Ecuador are popular choices, but that’s so 2012. Word is Morocco and Montenegro are quite lovely this time of year.

4. It’s Only Borrowing…

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Now it’s time to acquire an escape vehicle. You can’t show up to the airport in a car registered to yourself, so get yourself a nice Kobalt 12-in Pry Bar from Lowe’s for just $9.89 - and then smash said pry bar through the window of a Maserati. If you’re going to exit the country, you might as well do so in style and in a car that can go from 0-60 in about 5 seconds.

5. It’s All About the ‘Stache

Just having fun. Beautiful young short hair woman holding fake mustache on her face and smiling

Before you head onto that glorious plane of freedom, you’ll need a disguise. This fake moustache and goatee combo ($6.99) from Costume Express should do the trick. Those TSA agents won’t expect a thing. Leave the Maserati you “borrowed” in a dark alley, dump your burner in the garbage and get ready to start your new life.

 

Congratulations! You’ve successfully avoided paying your taxes and have turned yourself into a Bond villain in the process. Enjoy Morocco.