Vroom

Tonight my younger son's Cub Scout pack will hold its annual Pinewood Derby. Even if you're not involved in Scouting, you've probably heard of this event. pinewood-derby-patch-1

Cub Scouts (boys between the ages of 6 and 11) receive a car kit: a block of wood, four nails and four wheels. The wood has slits for the nails, which act as axles. And that's it. The boys are responsible to design and cut their cars, attach the wheels, add some weights, paint and race their cars.

Most often, these Pinewood Derbies become competitions to see whose dad is better at woodworking, shellacking, and engineering. It's fairly obvious going in to the event that the majority of these cars are not built by grade-school-age boys.

This is basically the male version of Toddlers and Tiaras. Pageant Moms have nothing on Derby Dads. These are the guys who show up at the post office every day to weigh their son's car and make sure it hasn't gone over the five-ounce limit once that nineteenth coat of shellac was applied. Apparently the theory is, if the car can't be fast, it should at least be shiny.

You can tell the boys whose dads have completely taken over the derby-car-building process. These boys don't even bother to watch the race. They huddle in a corner and pull out their Nintendos or Pokemon cards while their dads hunch over the track and cheer loudly. And if their cars happen to win the race, it's a good bet that Dad will be the first one up to accept the trophy.

One of the best parts of the Derby, in my opinion, is the non-race awards. These allow those kids who actually did some work on their own cars, and whose cars fell apart on the track, to still win a prize. So we give out certificates for "Most Colorful" and "Most Patriotic" and even "Most Valuable Car." That one goes to the car that has the most coins glued to it as weights. A panel of impartial judges (nobody's dad or big brother) give out these awards, and the judging takes place before the race. Not being impartial, I don't get to be a judge tonight, but I'll enjoy every minute of my little boy's first Derby.

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